Wine and Tears

- Mark

The sun was up and playing hide and seek at his toes. The distant sound of a woman was echoing in his ears and the smell of fresh coffee told the story of a beautiful Sunday morning. Naked ass in the air, he turned around and buried his head in the pillow. Just five more minutes left...or maybe ten if he’s lucky.

"Hey Dad, wake up, there’s pancake, we’re hungry!"

Two minutes?

Mark searched for his glasses, eyes closed. A gesture that made his wife smile every sleepy morning...he was the same old baby who doesn’t want to go to school...even if he was a father of two and over 45. He put on his glasses and opened his eyes. The room was bright and the air fresh. He took a deep breath and smiled. Home...

Half awake, as every Sunday, he jumped in his old sweatpants and walked down the squeaky wooden stairs. The kids were already sitting at the table. Leila was 5, Nate almost 9.

“Daddy, look what I drew: it’s you diving and swimming with a shark”

“Nice job. But what’s that yellow spot at the beach with a whole in it?”

“That’s Mom screaming at you to come out”

“Oh, all right, that makes total sense honey” He slipped a kiss on his daughter's blond hair and she answered with a huge smile that made his heart leap every time. She was the second love of his life, well maybe the third..but only chronologically.

Elisabeth was preparing the last pancakes. This was his favorite part of the week. Their moment. Under the roof and behind the curtains of their perfect little house, their love was not always easy, but they always found the strength to work it out. They were friends, partners, allies, sometimes enemies or playing buddies. These moments were the price to win with every little battle. And they were worth it. They truly were.

Nate interrupted the calm: “Dad, can we go to the beach today? I really want to try my new diving watch.”

“No, sweetie, your father is on mess duty today, he needs to sort out the old stuff in the storage, you can maybe help him. Fun, right?” answered Elisabeth while piling up the fresh pancakes.

“You heard The Boss, dude” said Mark with a grin.

“Pfff” and Nate turned back to playing on his phone. Like father, like son.

…..

The garage was full, indeed.

Filled with the memorabilia of a decade that he did not plan, but turned out to be the biggest gift. He sighed and lifted the first box. Books, papers, old bank statements. No fun to sort. Put it down, skipped to the next. Work stuff. Nope, later. As he put the box away another more promising revealed itself. PARIS. “That's something I can work with” he thought. He opened it carefully and a tsunami of memories flooded his brain. He closed his eyes and he suddenly felt the smell of the November rain, the Seine, the taste of the cafe creme on a sunny terracce, saw the groups of friends sitting on the riverside with bottles of 'côte du rhone', laughing, heard the women walking in heels as the metro arrives. “Incident voyageur, train retardé, veuillez patientez quelques instants”. He walked through the Pont des Arts and he was looking out through the kitchen window of his old flat, with a cigarette in his hand...he hasn't touched one since Nate was born, but he suddenly felt like lighting a good old Marlboro.

Pictures, papers, small souvenirs, old magnets from around the world were whispering stories of an old book, chapters that changed him, built him and made him the man he is today. Years of love and friendships, tears of sadness and hope, mistakes, success, hard work..and a lot of fun. Oh, so much fun too. These memories were all staring back at him from the bottom of the box. On the top, a collage of photographs...he remembered suddenly that he had hair once. Faces of the past and of those who are still in his life after all these years, in spite of the distance. Under it, some folders with papers, keys of doors he will never open again but reminded him of the places he left behind. A champagne cork was sitting at the bottom corner of the box. Time has turned it into a yellowish color and the letters were faded...he didn't need to read it to know what it was. A small flat over the train station. A bottle, a girl, a long chapter. Elise...

He squeezed the cork and rubbed it as he was trying to call the genie of the past out of it. He took out his phone from his pocket. It ringed. On the other side of the line, somewhere thousands of miles away a woman picked up.

"Hey, what’s up?" He said as they just talked yesterday

A cheerful female voice answered "Hey old fart, to what do I owe the pleasure? Are you terminally ill?"

“Not funny at our age”

"Has your wife grew tired of your snoring and throw you out?"

"Still not funny"

"Anyways, I am happy you found your phone, it’s been a while"

"How are the kids?"

"Well Emma is in love, so it’s drama time and Zoe is learning piano so it’s pretty noisy around here right now. What are you up to?"

"Mess duty, we need space in the garage for the new car. You know what I’ve just found?"

"Your manhood?"

“Always a pleasure to talk to you Elise - he answered smiling - I just found a certain champagne cork under a pile of papers"

"Ok, now I see the reason for the sudden reappearance. You remembered that you don’t have any friends left so you call an old one?"

"Those were fun times"

"Fun, happy, painful, scary. We were surely not bored my friend. But damn, we are better for it"

"Are you happy?" He changed the tone She sighed "Well, what can I say, the mind of a wise old lady, the body of a thirty-something woman and the spirit of a teenager. I am perfect. Are you?"

"What?"

"Well, happy?”

"You know, I think I really am"

"Great then, if you’re happy I’m happy" A short silence filled in the space between them. The kind that brings two humans closer, instead of separating them.

Suddenly the summer breeze swept over the garage and the smell of old memories landed a soft smile on his face. Yes, he IS happy.

He opened his hand, the letters "M&E" were scribbled on the cork.

They both made it..

- Mitch

The rain was beating on the windows. The weather was shitty and sad. So is his morning. The bed was empty, and his head full. One big scary word was hanging over his head, a sword ready to hit: divorce. He hated this word, it represented everything that made him feel like a complete failure.

He looked around the messy room, a dark maze filled with boxes. A game he didn't feel like playing anymore. He was unable to put the pieces together. Love, anger, betray, bargaining that never worked, kisses and work, lots and lots of work that seemed meaningless after all. At least he will be able to pay for the education of his children. Children…

He stumbled out of bed and heated up yesterday's coffee.

Everything in his life belonged in the past now, even his breakfast.

He's an asshole.

It is official, now even written on the divorce papers laying on the kitchen table.

'Go on, sign, agree that you are a bastard, a good-for-nothing father and lover, a mess.'

The phone rang.

"Hey Mitch, are you there!?, I need to talk to you asap”

“Good morning to you too Bill”

“You need to sign, enough with this nonsense. You fucked up and you know it. There is no going back! You should be happy that there is no police involved, man. So do me a favor, scratch your name on that paper and get your shit together. Go see a shrink or find a decent woman, I don't know, but you need to move out from the house by the end of next week, it belongs to Evelyn and the kids.”

"Was she good in bed? Yeah, even after two children she has a nice piece of ass, huh?"

"Fuck you Mitch!"

"What a professional attorney" He hung up.

He looked down at his coffee. Black. Like his soul long lost in madness.

It was hunting him. That look on the innocent faces of his kids when they entered the room. He saw a monster in the reflexion of their tears. He felt their fear and atonement. He felt the same. Shame.

Evelyn was on the floor, next to the coffee table. Blood was spilling on the cream colored carpet. Italien.

It was an accident. An ACCIDENT for God’s sake.

‘No it was not, you filthy monster. You pushed her…’

Things about that night were clearer and clearer with every day. Pain and regret were slowly taking over the anger, the denial. Same demons, with different names.

He could hear Evelyn’s voice as if it happened just yesterday....

….

"You don't understand Mitch, I can't live like this anymore! I gave up everything to support you, your stupid work, I put up with your anger, even your mistresses" She paused and looked in his eyes for a second. Seeking for some light, the truth maybe. She took a deep breath and carried on. "Don’t look at me like this, do you think I didn't know?"

Mitch took off his shoes and throw them on the floor to express how much he dislikes this discussion.

"I worked my ass off to provide you with all this so you can walk around in your expensive clothes" he felt the anger descending as a big, dense, black cloud. And there was no sunshine above. Long gone. "I thought you were intelligent when I married you, but now I see that you are nothing but a calculating bitch"

Eyes wide open, Evelyn's heart stopped for a long second. Just like every time he insulted her like this. But somehow she got used to it by now. Every morning, when she looked in the mirror, she was unable to recognize the woman she once was. In every discussion, for months, he made her responsible for EVERYTHING. Like she was not good enough...for ANYTHING. He was criticizing her for the smallest things. ‘You are walking around like an elephant’ ‘Can't you laugh louder darling’’. He never ran out of these short, spicy remarks that burned her every day. More and more. Slowly, silently, calmly turning her into someone else. A dead woman walking.

Moral violence is the most dangerous of all. Take a frog, put it in a boiling water and it jumps out. Put it in cold water and start to boil it, the frog will slowly get burned and die. She was slowly dying. She knew it. She had to jump. Now!

"Please don't be cruel...I don't deserve it." She whispered under her tears, choking up.

"Oh great, here comes the waterworks. Come on, I had a hard day at work, I am tired"

"I need to talk to you, I need us to be more equal in this marriage, I need you to make some compromise. If not for me, for the kids. They need you" She made a small step towards him.

"Arf. Equality. I just threw up in my mouth. What? Are you a fucking feminist now?" He turned away and grabbed a wine glass from the cupboard.

"Mitch, please don't start this, just listen to me"

"And why would I do that? You have also something interesting to say? You are completely incapable of explaining what do you want, all I hear is blablabla with a bit of blabla." He put down the bottle

"I don't know what to do or how to express things differently..”

"Honey, then don't, just shut up!" He put down the bottle and took out his phone from his pocket "Here, look at this phone. I'll put on the timer. If you manage to stay silent for 5 stupid minutes then I will maybe listen"

She was staring at him. Not even looking at the screen. “You are humiliating me again”

“Oh, maybe you deserve it. And by the way the clock starts again. You made it to 10 seconds”

“Stop being childish”

“Aaand it starts again, not even 5 seconds! Me, childish? It’s not me who can't shut up for a second” He hit the reset button on the screen.

“This is really annoying” She bowed her head and closed her eyes.

“You know what is annoying sweetie? Coming home and listening to your whining when all I want to do is sleep” He sat down on the couch and put his leg up on the coffee table.

Evelyn did not move. The summer air was thick and a siren was screaming in the background. She wished it would come pick her up. Might as well. Her heart will soon fall into peaces and join the ashes of her self-confidence.

She finally sat down on the armchair in front of him. She crossed her thin legs and buried her face in her sweaty palms. She felt stupid, weak and hopeless. 'I should have waited with this discussion, I should have said something else. He’s a good man, he is just lost, always were.' she thought.

“All right, are we finished here?” Mitch interrupted the weeping

A wave of anger suddenly filled her heart and she couldn’t keep it in anymore. The pain was too heavy and the words too weak to express it.

“You are an asshole. Stuck with the emotional maturity of a 5 year old. You know what, forget what I said, you’d never understand. You are incapable of compromises, real, unconditional love and nothing is important to you other than your ego and your stupid work. I don't even know why I bother trying”

A glass of red wine landed on her face and the carpet. The first red mark that this evening would leave there. The glass fell in front of her and broke into small pieces with a glittering sound.

She was speechless. Big fat teardrops were still running down on her shirt leaving pink spots all over it. Wine and tears. Acid and salty. The taste of her life. The sweet faded away long time ago. She silently went to the bathroom and put on a nightgown. When she re-entered to the living room, Mitch was puffing big circles of smoke with his Marlboro.

Evelyn finally gathered her strength and broke the silence “I really wanted to make this work, but I am unhappy and you are not willing to do anything. Maybe we should consider to take some time apart”

“Oh that is your answer. I am sorry, I can’t listen to you anymore, so I am going to sleep” - He stood up, crushed his cigarette and headed to the bathroom

“Please don't go, we have to finish this discussion, it is really important to me” she stood up too and blocked his way.

“And it is really important that I sleep, I have an early meeting. Move away please!”

“I beg you, you know I love you, please stay so we can put an end to this as adults”

He grabbed her shoulders and tried to push her away. “I am telling you, let me go, you are starting to piss me off”

She resisted with all her strength. “No, I am not letting you go, not this time, I always do” she put her hands on his chest and grabbed his hand, in an attempt to calm him down. “Pleeeeease”

“You are really very stupid right now” he squeezed her hand to set himself free.

She would not let go, no matter the pain.

All of a sudden everything turned black. It was not him anymore. It was an animal trying to escape with everything that he had. A rat imprisoned in a cage of uncontrollable feelings. He has to get out! GET OUT! NOW! He put her hands around her neck and with all the anger he built up in the last hour - or more like in the last 45 years - he pushed her away.

Evelyn fell on the floor with a sharp noise, hitting her head on the glass coffee table. Time stopped. He turned around. His son was standing in front of him, paralyzed. No screaming, no crying. Just silence for an eternally long minute. His daughter was sitting on the stairs.

“Go to your room, mommy had an accident, everything will be okay”

Evelyn left the next day. Patch on her head and the kids on her arms.

….

Mitch finished the cold coffee and put the empty mug on the pile of dirty dishes.

He went upstairs and lit up a cigarette.

The bedroom was filled with open boxes. A puzzle of memories, a life packaged and ready to be shipped to the island of loneliness and regret.

He wanted to scream, but no sound was coming out. Like all the sadness, the anger, the resentment were stuck in his throat.

He learnt in his childhood to shut down all the negative emotions so that he can still function. But he hadn’t really lived, maybe since. When Daddy was angry, he shouted at Mommy. When Mommy didn’t behave, plates were flying. And usually a discussion ended with a slap. He always believed that he was better than his parents. He was not so sure anymore.

He stumbled in a box, a sharp pain hit his feet. “Fuck it! Fuck all of it!”. The box fell on its side.

He didn't know why he kept this one for all these years.

At the top of the pack, an old cork, from a french champagne...a present he gave to a girl, 20 years ago while he was still living in Paris. He remembered clearly. Emily.

They spent 3 months together, fucking, drinking, having fun. There was something about her, but he never really managed to put his finger on it. He fell in love so he broke up with her. It could have never worked out. She was too independent, too emotional, too different. So far from the woman he imagined for himself. The first time she pissed him off bad, he started to see an image of himself he didn't like. He broke up with her the next day “I need a girl that is simple, easy, you are definitely not the kind of woman I want to marry”.

She walked away and never looked back.

He grabbed the carton and threw it out the bedroom window. Pictures, papers and small souvenirs of a long, lost life, scattered on the backyard lawn.

A life where he still had the chance to be a better man.

He was not sure he still had any...

- Emily

Her head was pounding. Little monsters were playing ping-pong between her left and right ears. She tried to hide herself under the blanket.

“Mommy, I am hungry”

“Me too baby” - she answered

Emily felt like the worst mother. Not because she got drunk last night, but because she was not happy seeing her daughter this morning. She wanted to run away. Alone. It hurts, it just hurts all the time. And when she looks at this little girl, the pain gets only worse. What will she learn, how will she survive in this cruel world. Someone has to teach her, tell her to never give up, tell her fairy tales about princes and happy endings so she can finally smile. Who will do that? Who will lie?

She felt the blanket moving, Jamie grabbed it and jumped into the bed.

“Mommy, Mommy, do you want to sing? Look there’s a birdy in the window. Do you think he’s hungry? Can we give him breakfast?” Oh dear.

“Jamie, sweetie, I am cold, give Mommy back the blanket”

“Can we have croissants for breakfast?”

“Anything you want, go wash your face and hands, all right?”

She rolled off the bed and ran to the bathroom. The smell of her hair stuck behind her. She wore her pajamas with the pink flowers, the one HE gave her. That bastard. It’s been maybe two months. She couldn’t remember the exact moment when he walked out that door. It took some time to realize that he was really gone.

That Monday evening, the bitter taste of his last kiss, that condescending voice.

Since that night, she was a shadow. A talking, moving shade, living in a world turned into grayscale…

…..

That evening, Matthew came home, different. There was this cold look on his face, like someone who just made a mistake and walked into the wrong house, to the wrong family. He marched into the closet, grabbed an old duffle bag and throw some of his stuff in it. She was watching Shrek 4 with Jamie for the 2nd time that week. But it seemed like the real green monster had just arrived home.

“Emily, I am leaving”

“Where?”

“No, you don’t understand, I am LEAVING. You”

His verdict lost behind a loud fart coming out of the TV.

“I can’t hear you Matt, wait!” But she already knew something was not right. She turned down the volume and walked to the stairs. Matt was standing there in his long grey coat, collar straight up behind his neck. Vampire style. He didn’t even put down the bag, he was holding onto it as it was the last lifebelt left in the icy waters.

“What is it? Where are you going?”

“Away, I can’t be here anymore, I am sorry!”

“I don’t understand”

“And you never did. I want a divorce, it just hit me today. I can’t breath here. I know it’s crazy, but it’s the effect you have on me. You know that it’s been a while that we are having problems. They are just not problems anymore, they are walls impossible to destroy or jump. I don’t want this life. I just can’t”

She couldn’t believe that this was really happening.

Her mouth got dry and it felt like she got kicked into the stomach.

“But how can you just leave like this, don’t you think that we should talk, that our marriage deserves more?” She was trying to desperately hold onto the lifeline as well. Negotiating.

“There’s nothing to talk about. We are going around in circles and I am honestly getting dizzy. I fought, I tried, more than I should have. But today, it is finally clear. Today I woke up early and went to work at 7 just to avoid you. Isn’t that enough explanation? Do you want to live with someone who despises you? It’s clear for me today that you are not the woman I want to be with so we should just leave it there” He had a cold glaze in his eyes, staring at her like the climber who cuts the rope and letting his partner fall, just to save himself.

“I don’t understand why now? You know how difficult it is for me at work”

“I don’t know why now, I just can’t pretend anymore. Do you want me to stay out of pity? For me it’s been over for months”

“And you picked tonight...just leaving, just like that, out of nowhere”

“You know as I do that it is not even sudden, you knew that this would happen, stop being stupid or blind, I am avoiding you for weeks now”

“Please stay, at least for tonight, let us talk a bit more”. Bargaining

“I don’t want to and I can’t, I promised Viktor to have dinner with him, he’s waiting for me”

She was not sad, not even angry, just numb. The decision is out. Convicted to an ever lonely life. She didn’t know what to say, how to keep him from walking out that door. She knew she couldn’t. So she just looked down and let the stream of tears wash down on her face. It was over now. Really OVER. She was suddenly falling into that hole again. Just like every. Fucking. Time. The vortex of feelings that emerges from a long moment of emotional vacuum. It sucks her in, takes out the reason and spits her out, changed, transformed into a weeping, crazy, stupid woman.

She closed the living room door, Jamie was laughing. Like nothing happened.

“I beg you to give me some respect and stay” she said and grabbed Matt’s coat.

“Give yourself some respect first. Don’t you understand? I do NOT love you! If you would be an intelligent woman, you’d understand that and let me walk away. Come on, don’t start with the crying now, don’t make this more difficult”

This hurt Emily so much, that she just grabbed his collars even stronger. She didn’t want to fall...

“You know that this doesn’t work, let me leave” he protested, then he gave her a last hug, wishing that it will loosen the grip so he can escape. ESCAPE. He wanted OUT and nothing would stop him now.

“I am sorry Emily, good-bye..” He took her hands wrapped tight around his body and pulled them down. He didn't even turn around. No tears, no rain. Just disappeared in the chilly October fog..

Fiona and Shrek were singing in the background. Emily slid to the floor and tried to breathe. Her lungs were not able to absorb air, her brain was empty and her heart slowed down. She wanted to stay there. Forever. “Don’t move, don’t open your eyes, this nightmare will go away if you keep calm just a little longer”. She was staring at a scratch on the parquetry...for minutes, ten, twenty. The same scratch. She didn’t even move her head. She was afraid that when she does, when she gives any proof of being awake...reality will set in and it will be unbearable. That the void in her heart will hurt like hell.

“Mommy, can I watch the Mignons?”

No this is not a dream...

She didn’t have a choice anymore. She scraped herself off the floor and changed the program on the television.

“Sweetie, I have to make a phone call, be good, eat your sandwich, I am gonna be back soon, all right?”

“Ahem” Jamie smiled and bit in the bagel. In her world filled with princesses and tales, everything was in its place. The good always wins and the evil disappears in a black fume forever. This little girl doesn’t know yet that in real life sometimes it’s the Good who vanishes slowly in a thick cloud of despair and the Evil walks away in the sun. 'I wish life would spare her' Emily thought, then grabbed her pullover and slid through the back door.

The garden smelled like autumn. ’This has not just happened. Again’. The fallen leaves were crunching under her feet. 'He is going to come back'. The wind was playing with the old pine trees. 'He always comes back'.

The door of the storage house opened loudly. 'I know he hid it somewhere here'. The room was filled with boxes, Matt’s bike was standing in the middle. Abandoned. 'He did that to you too, right?'

She started to look behind the boxes on the shelf "You asshole, where is it???”...

As she stepped forward, her shoulder hit a paper box. The fall sent all its contents to the floor. “fuuuuuuuck!!”. She looked down and the pack of Marlboro was staring right at her. “I got you!”. She took out the match-box from her pocket. Lit up.

The end of a toxic relationship and the beginning of another…'at least it’s gonna kill me in silence' she thought.

She was smoking one after the other.

'He’s going to come back, it’s just another panic'

She never learnt, she never said no to men who were just not right for her. She loved, she fought, she believed and she lowered her expectations over and over again. Until there was none. Her door was always open to the emotionally or geographically unavailable, the damaged or lost. Any kind of man who had issues to resolve, anyone to be saved could march in and suck the life and hope out of her.

With every man, every love, she gave away a piece of her soul.

With Matt, there went the last bit.

Now, she was just bones and white smoke.

Next to her feet, an old cork was sitting on the floor, probably fell out from the box. She kicked it with all her strength, it flew over the room and landed in the corner

Something was scribbled on it, she could only see the letter M. Another stupid memory, the first man who took a big part of her and hanged it on his shiny armor as a trophy to show it off.

The first fake knight who never looked back.

“When did I miss to learn from my mistakes?”

The last cigarette slowly burned out. And so did she.

She decided to be the only thing she still can be. A mom.

- Elise

She woke up to the sound of slamming doors. One of the many doors of her 4 bedroom suburban house with a garage and a dog. Cliché, but a nice one.

“Girls, I told you to let me sleep on Sundays, Mommy is old, shit!” She rolled her eyes and put the pillow on her sleepy face. Please God give me peace for 10 more minutes. The same bargaining every day. Another door slammed.

She put on her gown and balanced through the well designed bedroom. The bathroom smelled like lavender shampoo and bathed in sunlight. She washed her face and put on some cream. Elise looked in the mirror 'Still not too bad for a 48-year old”.

She almost got hit by Zoe on the stairs who was shouting to her sister

“I hate you, why can't I use your mascara? You are such an egoist. “

“Because you’ll mess it up and because you are a baby.” Emma shouted back

“You are the baaaaaby”

The third door slammed in a time frame of 5 minutes, before her coffee.

Oh sweet Sunday morning!

Downstairs Mike was already pouring a cup of coffee and held it up so she could grab it on her way to the veranda.

“Morning beautiful. I tried to calm down the girls, but it’s warfare up there. Do you want to send them to boarding school? We can sell the house and go to a desert island.”

She smiled and sat down with her cup to wake up, looking at the garden.

Sometimes this whole house was a mess, but a sweet one, and it was her perfect mess. All the hard work, all the love, the taste of tears and wine, the color of bleeding hearts over the years. It all made sense on these Sunday mornings. It was all worth it, every step, every painful event, every disappointment were building blocks to arrive to this veranda.

To the smoked taste of fresh coffee and happiness.

“Mooooom, tell Zoe to leave me alone, I’ll be late!”

“Zoe, come here please. Can you go and tell your sister to stop shouting and come have breakfast with us, like a normal human being.”

“But I haaaaaate her, I will never talk to her again”

“All right Honey, you can do that right after you gave her my message.”

“But Daaaaaad!”

“You heard the boss” he smiled.

Mike sat down next to her and wrapped his hands around her shoulders.

The phone interrupted their idyll. She gathered her energy, slipped to the kitchen and answered. A man's voice greeted her. It was him. The old, the bold, the one and only. She turned to Mike and articulated with her mouth:

"It's Mark"

She poured herself another cup of coffee and sat down next the the kitchen counter.

'This is interesting' she thought.

“Hey Old fart, to what do I owe the pleasure? Are you terminally ill?”

…

Read the Epilogue